| Muy Bueno |
| Muy Bueno |
Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
-"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
-"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
-"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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Life
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
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At the Hospital
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
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At the forest
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
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The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
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The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
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The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
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The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
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The Fifth Affair
Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
Blondy
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says:
Wise Man
A Black Man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the black man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Black Man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Black Man replies. "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".
Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into MacDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got thebest of the woman and she finally says, "What the heck, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in MacDonalds!!"
Lovers
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
Amazing
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, butthe wrod as a wlohe.
Sailors...
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,
The cabbie and the nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why is he staring and he replies:
ST. PETER GREETS a man at the Pearly Gates.
-What have you done to deserve entry into heaven?- he asks.
The gong
PROUDLY SHOWING OFF his HCW apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" asked the friend.
-"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
-"A talking clock? How's it work?"
-"Watch," said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
-"Hey, you jerk. It's three in the morning!"
At the cardiologist
A MAN WALKS INTO a cardiologist's office....
Man: "Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Doctor: "You don't need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Doctor: "So why'd you come in here if you need a psychiatrist?"
Man: "Well, the light was on...."
The robber
THINKING NO ONE IS HOME, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed watching TV.
-"What's your name?" he says menacingly to the wife at gunpoint.
-"E-E-Elizabeth," she says.
-"This is your lucky day," he says. "I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that was my dear mother's name." He turns to the husband. "What's your name?"
-"My name's Harry," says the man. "But everyone calls me Elizabeth."
Good son
AN OLD MAN living alone on a farm wrote to his only son, Bubba, in prison.
"Dear Bubba: I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like.i. weift be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. Wish you were here—I know you would take care of it for me. Love, Dad."
About a week later, the farmer received, this letter. "Dear Dad; Don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Bubba."
The next morning, FBI agents stormed the property and dug up the entire garden. They didn't find any bodies, though, so they apologized to the old man and left.
Soon the farmer received another letter. "Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba."
The last day of his life
JIM'S DOCTOR tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left. -"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after four hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
-"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Hi Daddy
-"Hello?"
-"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
-"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
-"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
-"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
-"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
-"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
-"I did it, Daddy."
-"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
-"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
-"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
-"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
-"Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?"
MEXICAN PRAYER
PEDRO WAS DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN A SWEAT BECAUSE HE HAD AN IMPORTANT MEETING AND COULDN'T FIND A PARKING PLACE. LOOKING UP TOWARD HEAVEN, HE SAID "LORD, TAKE PITY ON ME. IF YOU FIND ME A PARKING PLACE I WILL GO TO MASS EVERY SUNDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND GIVE UP TEQUILA." MIRACULOUSLY, A PARKING PLACE APPEARED. PEDRO LOOKED UP AGAIN AND SAID, "NEVER MIND. I FOUND ONE."
The document
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
-"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
-"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
-"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house...."
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive...."
-"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered". - Then he gave her a stern look and asked, - "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
-"Not this time."
-"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
-"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
-"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
-"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
-"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
-"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
-"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
-"Certainly sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies,
-"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
-"How much money?" inquires the guy.
-" 4 cents", he replies.
-"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies,
-"Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
-"Same as I'm doing to his business."
-"My darling Becky" he whispered.
-"Hush, my love," she said.
-"Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
-"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
-"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
-"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
-"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
-Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
-Why, officer?
-Because your breast is hanging out.
She looks down and says,
-OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!
-Is it your husband? - he inquired nervously.
-No, silly, you know I'm not married! - she replied, snuggling up
to him.
-An old boyfriend then? - he asked.
-No, not at all, - she said, nibbling away at his ear.
-Well, who is he then? - demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, she
replied,
-That's me before the surgery...
Amzanig huh
-Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added:
-I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
-What are you doing here?, -the captain asked.
-I have an arrangement with one of the sailors -, she explained. - I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me.
-He sure is, lady, - the captain said - This is the Staten Island Ferry.
-I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
-My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
-Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
-Well, let's see what we can do about that:
The cab driver is very excited and says:
-Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!
-OK, - the nun says - Pull into the next alley.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
-My dear child, -said the nun-, why are you crying?
-Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married, and I'm Jewish.
The nun says:
-That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
-Well, on my trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of tough bikers threatening a young woman, - says the man. -So I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and punched him in the nose. Then I kicked over his bike, yanked his ponytail and ripped out his nose ring. When I finished with him, I turned to the rest of the gang and said. 'Leave this woman alone or you'll have to answer to me!'.
St. Peter was impressed.
-When did this happen?
-Just a couple of minutes ago.